


...Until You've Lived Like Kings & Queens - 2. Book

by fffan201



Category: Take That (Band)
Genre: Chaos, Creamcake, F/M, Friendship, Love, M/M, barlliams
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:03:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fffan201/pseuds/fffan201
Summary: This TAKE THAT FF is a sequel to "Don’t Say Goodbye To Me ...".It is always advisable to have read the first part, but of course I try to integrate the Happenings.Five years have passed since Gary's death in this story, and Robbie still has his problems with it. Will he ever get over the loss of his more than good friend and finally be able to fully enjoy life, which has been cracked a little in the last few years and thus accompanied everywhere like an eternal shadow?





	1. Prolog - Tell Me A Story Where We All Change

_This is the moment I’ve been waiting all my life for_  
_It's the feeling when you hold me I could die for_  
_I will follow you wherever you will go now_  
_Want you to know now_

_You take me places that I've never seen_  
_Make me more than I could ever be_  
_Open your arms and let me fall right in_  
_And you can carry me…_

 

It was early in the morning, and over the Californian sky slowly roses an orange sun that received the new day with warm beams, making the City of the Lost Angels shimmer in golden colours. But as time went by and the sun had a higher level and a more yellowish colour, it changed more and more. Although Los Angeles now seemed almost like any other big city, it still did not lose its visual appeal. At this a very beautiful morning, just as you did not know it from L.A. different, everything looked again something from wonderfully peaceful. This place was now more than perfect. Either to, earns a celebrity status or just to retire and enjoy life.

 

Just like a Robbie Williams tried by all means to bend and break. But it wasn’t easy. Because for about five years now he lived with the feeling that he was somehow stuck and thus significantly influenced his life, in a certain oppressive and partly depressive way. First of all, his marriage. Although Ayda still showed a lot of patience towards him, at some point a point would be reached where she had to pull the emergency brake without regard for losses. Driven by the fear that Robbie might turn back to drugs and alcohol soon afterwards, she didn’t do it to the love of her husband. Especially because he needed someone at his side to whom he could trust more than one hundred percent. Although there were two other people in his life, where his confidence base was just as large, but while he did not entrust himself to the one, the other was unfortunately already dead and this one loss that he tried to deal with, said Robbie’s strange behaviour so immense. In fact, she could well understand that he was still taking it with him and the pain would never quite disappear, but nevertheless he should gradually accept it after the five years. Even if this one friend, let's just call him by his name ...Gary, more than tragic and after a terrible story, had to give his life far too young. First, his wife left him in a more than impossible way, out of the blue, and then, within the next twenty-four hours, he became a victim of unimaginable violence. The weeks later, even more times happened. The end of the story was after finding out that Gary's tormentor Dawn had been pushed to this break up and threatened that Gary had died in a monstrous conflagration and an all-destroying explosion. OK. It was quite hard for a person close to him and it was more than difficult to cope with, but nevertheless Robbie should have resigned himself to it now and that he could not do anything about it. ...And yet he seemed as if he was serious about dealing with this sad event every single day in his life. What Ayda didn’t understand at all. She just wanted to help him, but if she offered him her newest help every time, he blocked it again and again in a distant way, letting her know monotonously that she had no idea and would never understand it anyway. It was to despair. No matter what she did, he just could not help himself and that's why she was often on the verge of putting him to an ultimatum. Either he had someone help him and tried to get his life back under control or, she left him. But for Robbie it was guaranteed to be like a definitive downfall, after which he would certainly find himself in the swamp of alcohol and drugs in no time at all. No. That was something she couldn’t do to him.


	2. Days Spent Waking Up With Strangers

So Robbie was sitting on the edge of his bed at this rather early morning, staring out of the window with a sad look, where he was afforded a beautiful look into the hilly landscape of L.A. But the beauty of nature touched him at present not at all. How should it be on a day like today? Today was the fifth anniversary of the day his little friend flew to the sky and left him. As his thoughts travelled back in time, bringing him back to the year 2010, his eyes filled with tears once more and carefully clutched his chain, to which was fastened a very specific ring. It was the one he had given Gary a good-bye in the nineties when he broke away from Take That, and found it again five years ago. This ring simply meant everything to him and so he guarded it with eagle eyes.

Okay. He wore it around his neck at any time of day or night, so it wasn’t even necessary, but he did not want to lose sight of that one ring for a second. Any single memory in it meant simply everything to him and had an invaluable value. For this reason alone, he kept it constantly. Although he could also wear the ring on his finger, but on the one hand would rather raise questions and secondly, he was not a big ring bearer. Even his own wedding ring rarely found his way to his finger. But by no means meant that he would ever be unfaithful to Ayda or anything like that ...and besides, she didn’t even have to worry because his other great love had already passed away and was therefore no real competition for her. But if Gary were alive now, he probably would not know where his head was. 

Although as he thought about it he did not even know it even at the current hour. Because this whole situation in which he was, was more than difficult for him. While he was still dealing with the loss of Gary and not even approaching it, exacerbated by his too many and very real nightmares, Robbie also had a wife who required him to perform certain duties and also to pursue them without exception. Certain marital duties he went so fully and yet, there were some things that fell by the wayside ...above all their family formation. Actually, their second child would already be on the way, but nothing happened to Ayda. At first she had been afraid that she could not have children. After a gynaecological examination, however, they knew that it wasn’t up to her. Apparently, the problem was more with Robbie himself. However, he resisted a close examination to find out if he was even capable of fathering a child. Driven by the fear and a sick feeling in his stomach that it really was like this and he could not give her a child, Robbie had since started to move away from everyone. Both from Ayda, as well as from his best buddy Mark. That he had not grabbed the bottle until now, to drink all this frustration from the soul, he had to thank only his inner voice. A voice that’s somehow sounded a bit like Gary. ...Oh Gary. He really missed him more than terrible.

 

To at least get away from all his frustrated and self-destructive thoughts, Robbie finally got up, dressed quietly and left then the bedroom as fast as he could. He had to get out of here. These crushing walls, which’s were still coming dangerously close, somehow made him feel uncomfortable, driving Robbie to flee. After leaving the bedroom unhindered, he immediately went to see his many dogs to see what their need for a long walk looked like. When he finally found them mostly scattered in the living room, most responded to its presence but more than lethargic and threw his master a pretty tired look. However, there was one among them, a black Pomeranian who ran straight to Robbie and greeted him more than happy.

"Hey, my little Gazza. I was even hoping that you are already awake and cheerful. …How does it look? Do you feel like going for a walk with me?" Robbie had already hoped that his last newcomer, who also had one of Gary's nicknames, wanted to accompany him and went down to his little friend down to his knees.

Once Gazza barked and gave him a fun-loving look, Robbie gave him a small smile and could not help but stroke his soft fur. Although he loved every one of his dogs with the same fervour, but this little rascal here, had found a very special place in his heart. But that was not just the name alone or that he had brought him five years ago. In fact, it was much more the circumstances that he really saw his deceased friend in Gazza.

"I knew it. …Alright then, come. But let me first write Ayda a message that we are both outside." With these words, Robbie took the little dog on a leash, got up again, then left a note for his wife as mentioned earlier and asked at the end in the round, if not one of the other dogs wanted to come, "Okay guys. This is your last chance. Will any of you still join us?"  
The only clear answer Robbie got from one of the larger dogs was a silent yawn. But what almost came to him as an ungrateful rebuff. Shrugging, he finally left the house with Gazza at his side and tried by the distance gained to come to other thoughts.

 

After fifteen minutes, there was still no improvement and as Robbie had just arrived at his favourite spot, he sat down on the ground, let go of the dog leash so Gazza could run free and looked sadly into the distance. Although a gigantic sight stretched out in front of him into the hilly landscape of L.A., he could not shake off the feeling that he had been more than torn in his life and that he would never come out again. So he didn’t even know if he had the strength to record and release another album at some point. His last work was now about five years back and it was not even a real album. It was just a best of. A collection of songs, that’s he had released in his career as a solo artist and made him big. This one record was the last thing his fans heard from him - in purely musical terms. Even the last worked and sixth Take That album, which they called the title _Progress_ , was finally cancelled on the first day after Gary's death and mothballed for all time. ...And since then it had become quiet around him.

Robbie didn’t even know that, apart from the fact that Mark became father for the third time just over three years ago, what his three buddies did today. After all, he still knew about Mark, with whom he was still and occasionally in contact - although it had become very quiet for some time, that Howard had gotten married in the meantime and that Jason had left England. But where the latter was exactly, nobody knew. However, and basically, that was all but more heartfelt and something of shit. For to have this knowledge, what had become of his friends and former colleagues, didn’t help him in the least to regain control of his past life. The only thing Robbie had always wanted for eight and a half years now was denied him forever. To have children born of his own flesh and blood ...and... to celebrate musical successes with Gary. Either, together as a duo, with Take That or as a solo artist, where he could be supported by the qualities of a genius musician and songwriter in one.

With this one and self-destructive thought, whereupon he was getting more and more exhausted in his life and now more than tormenting stuck, he suddenly got the feeling of being watched over to his constant emptiness. At first, Robbie ignored this feeling, but since he had been watching himself for a few days, he tried to overplay it as much as possible. Shortly thereafter, when he heard Gazza barking a few times and was obviously chasing after a rabbit, he searched the area for his little friend with a slightly worried look and mixed feelings. After all, he did not want him pursuing a rabbit in his burrow and then not coming out again. He would certainly not be able to lose him now.

"Gazza? Leave the rabbits alone and stay he... "

No sooner had he spotted the little black Pomeranian, who was sniffing at some unknown feet of a stranger, Robbie looked in him a not quite unknown face and broke himself with it. Despite the full beard, this guy actually bore some resemblance to Gary and yet he knew that was impossible for the first time and secondly, there was a twin in this world and under seven billion people, somewhere around each of them. Already because the guy looked almost like Gary, he had seen him a few times in the past week and felt accordingly pursued and watched. However, with his sudden appearance, Robbie had reached a new low, and as a result, that dreadful, unbearable and painful emptiness grew back to the same size as Gary had just come out of his life. ...And so, every time he saw this mysterious stranger, it hurt again and again to the latest. 

"What in God's name." At first, Robbie almost soundlessly crossed his thin lips and in the next second he wanted to have answered certain questions, "Who the hell are you? What have I done to you that you have to persecute me?"

However, since Robbie didn’t get a single answer to all his questions, he finally turned with the words, "Go away. Leave me alone! ", from the stranger. While his too-dull-eyed gaze slid back into the distance and he could not refrain from a single tear, he already felt the following pain, which settled like an eternal shadow around his heart and seized him in an excruciating manner. But as long as this stranger was standing behind him somewhere staring at him with a piercing stare, he wouldn’t get rid of that insistent and overwhelming feeling anytime so soon.

But to top it all off and when he accidentally noticed out of the corner of his eyes, as this guy went to his side and also dropped to the ground, Robbie wiped away a tear with a very quick hand movement.  
"I said that you should disappear. ...Can you not speak English or what ...and besides, don’t you see that your closeness hurts me?" Robbie let him know in a no less rude way that he should more than finally leave.  
But instead of the stranger hearing his words, the stranger suddenly began to hum. Shortly thereafter, when he raised his slightly aired voice to a song that was completely unknown to Robbie, Robbie suddenly started to listen. That could not be. No. From the lyrics, it was clearly a song from his own repertoire. One he had written, sung and recorded about five years ago. So how did this guy know the song? The only one who knew about it and with whom he used to sing it as a duet was dead ...or wasn’t he?

So Robbie, with a breath-robbing, heart-warming and finally hopeful shimmering thought, which could not possibly have been true, turned more slowly, almost as if in slow motion, to his neighbor and looked into his velvet green-blue eyes.

"Hey Rob!"  
"G ...Gaz!?!" ...


	3. Where Has Gary Barlow Gone?

Robbie couldn't believe it. This one guy who was sitting in front of him and who looked like his little friend and also knew one of their common songs was really Gary. That was completely impossible. How could that be? No one could easily survive an explosion, at least in the immediate vicinity. Ok. During the fire brigade, Gary was untraceable and yet, days later, a charred corpse was found amid the rubble. One that could then be identified shortly thereafter using the dental records, as that of Gary. Thus, it was simply impossible for him to sit in front of him now, alive and in flesh and blood. ...And yet he was.

Gripped by all emotion, and after a moment of disorientation, which allowed him to freeze for a sensed eternity to a pillar, Robbie Gary fell instantly and dropped out of the sky around his neck. While he was almost in a very real hug and Gary responded in the same breath, he again and immediately came to tears. But this one time it was tears of joy. He just couldn't believe it. Gary's alive!

"Oh Gaz. You …you don't know how you missed me. " Robbie sobbed quietly into the embrace.

 

"I've missed you too." Gary whispered with more than a soft voice in Robbie's ear and looked at it, almost grieved to death and deliberately to the ground.

The last five years have been anything but easy for him. Having to live alone with the constant thought that he had really lost everything and had to leave the few important things in his life was almost unbearable. In addition, it was also that he was completely alone. Unlike Robbie, Gary had no one at his side, and he once took him in his arms and whispered some warm and encouraging words. In the last month before he went underground and was persecuted by a vengeful lunatic and was raped several times and who also wanted to end his life, Robbie had been more than the perfect friend and protector in one. He had actually managed to give him a spark of hope in this exceedingly heavy and sinister time, that at some point he would forget this terrible story and again lead a normal and regulated life without fear. ...And to this one hope, with Robbie's voice repeatedly whispering these words to him, he had clung to the present day.

Only because of that, Gary had managed to mobilize his really last powers once more and finally to go to the basement, where an extra-cultivated shelter was in place for exactly such purposes. However, it would not have been much missed and he would have fallen victim to the flames and the explosion. It was really very close. It was only about four or five hours later, after calm had returned and the danger was banished, he had dared to go out. With the discovery of a charred corpse, and he knew immediately that it was his tormentor at that time, he could only seek the widest. The sight had then driven him to a short-circuit reaction by swapping the dental records and leaving the country. 

At that moment, however, when he had found a suitable place to set his existence, he suddenly became aware of what he had done and prepared - especially Robbie opposite. For a while, he had seriously thought about looking for his good old friend and pouring him pure wine. To tell him that he was still alive. When he actually wanted to do this, an inner voice kept him from really doing it. That’s Robbie had guaranteed to forget him and with Ayda, with whom he certainly had at least one child and thus led a happy life. Since Gary did not want to disturb his peaceful family life then he also had the thought of Dawn and his three children. After asking himself what had become of them in the meantime, he immediately became painfully aware that they did not want to have anything to do with him. ...A return was therefore excluded.

Eventually the years passed and while Gary lived in this time without any means completely alone and practically on the street, one day he was confronted with the exceedingly harsh reality. A reality, that haunted him in his nightmares and which he had gone through in a cruel way. He witnessed a rape and although the victim was a young woman, Gary had seen himself in it somehow. 

With the picture in mind, as his first and last second rape had expired, he felt a certain tension that immediately led to a growing restlessness. When he soon threatened to fall into a real panic attack, Gary wanted only one. To be put in the strong arms of a certain person. So he had any doubts that he could significantly disrupt a certain family happiness and possibly endanger it, thrown overboard, and thus sought, without making any great thought about the resulting consequences, the city of lost angels. Los Angeles.

 

When Gary reached the world-famous city about a week ago, however, he had not found the courage to pay a visit to the property of his very best and long-missing friend. On the one hand he did not want to frighten Ayda and on the other, it was much more important to him to have Robbie for himself. So he had no other choice but to observe him from afar, and as soon as the first opportunity arose, he could take the first step. After Gary was on this right early morning Robbie almost alone in seclusion and then at some point had seen settled on the ground, it was finally ready.

But as Robbie sat with his back on him, he could move unseen behind him and, for now, he kept a certain distance. With mixed feelings and a yearning look, he looked over at him and hoped that he would not trigger life-changing crisis with his sudden appearance at Robbie. Because that was something he didn't even want to do to him in the least. Robbie deserved it, that he could finally lead the life that he had always aspired to. ...And that's not what he wanted him to do. 

But for this reason alone, Gary remained somewhat undecided for the time being. He was just wondering whether he really should step into his life and what was very likely to put everything upside down. Gary just wanted to turn around when suddenly, Robbie's dog ran on him barking and shortly thereafter sniffed at his feet. After he perceived even more than the long-missing voice of Robbie, Gary knew it was too late. There was no return.

In the second, when his three years of younger and great friend looked around himself, and of course he immediately threw a confused but also rather gloomy glance at him, he was almost simultaneously taken by his guilt towards him and the deepest wish in his arms to are plagued. This combination, however, led to Gary not even being in a position to give at least one answer to Robbie's questions. No sooner had his face turned away from him, and thus quite apparently trying to ignore his presence, Gary knew that it was now up to him. Followed by the little black Pomeranian, he then went to Robbie's side and finally took a seat in a few meters distance from him. But shortly thereafter he had to be told by the former entertainer, more than rude and with a sad sounding voice that he hurt with him his presence and thus vanished quickly, he became more than aware that Robbie was still around him mourned and had by no means forgotten. 

But to convince him that he really was alive, Gary Feverish thought about how he could do it best. Eventually he came up with the idea of doing it with a little song, of which only they both had the knowledge that this song even existed. When Gary then came to the chorus, he was regarded by him more as a disbelief. 

 

"Hey Rob!"  
"G... Gaz!?!"

Before Gary even knew him, Robbie fell around his neck and finally found himself in the long-awaited and exceedingly warm embrace, which he had been after for weeks. Even though Robbie did not bristled himself from power, he still felt his incredible warmth. A feeling, that’s he had missed more than anything else for five years and did not want to give it back.


	4. Face The Lonely Fear

While the two friends were still sitting there, simply enjoying the closeness of the other with heart and soul, with every heartbeat Gary and Robbie each perceived from their counterpart, how life in their bodies returned more and more. The freezing cold of the last five years was forgotten. Nothing, but nothing at all, could still counter it now and so it just gave the two an unspeakably good and warm feeling. One they wanted to enjoy as long as possible. In order to leave the eternal shadow of time more than at last behind.

 

After a felt eternity, Robbie released his little and extremely missing friend from his embrace, comprised his temples with both hands and looked in his eyes until he could make up his own reflection. As well as a burning flame still blaze in Gary joyfully. Well, probably less than more. 

"I don't believe it. You're alive! ...How... how is that possible? ...How could you escape the flames and the explosion? ...Why haven't you been more likely to come forward? I ...I would have needed you!" Robbie wanted to answer several questions at once, letting Gary know how much he would have needed him.

 

At first, Gary Robbie could still look in the eye, but when the question arose as to why he was waiting so long to give him a sign of life, the elder could only see to the ground in shame, only stating in front of him.

"I ... I ... I don't know myself." Gary stuttered and had his problems with where to start and to find the right words. 

Of course, he knew the associated backgrounds all too well, but they were those for which Robbie was guaranteed to have no understanding or, he would at least begin to believe him. In addition, Gary had built an abnormally high wall around him over the past five years, consisting mainly of self-doubt and fear of an uncertain future. The only one who could get him out of his own fortress now and he had locked himself in it was Robbie. He alone had the power to do so. But why, if he was significantly disrupting and able to unbalance his peaceful family life, should he? No. If he had already lost his own, Gary didn't want to put that on the line now and so he wondered what he was doing here. That was insane after all. Just because he wanted to have a simple and safe embrace from Robbie, he had actually dared to go underground and took the long way to be able to close him in his arms. After getting those too, Gary was really on the verge of throwing his legs back in his arms and running away once more.

"What do you mean to tell me with that ...you don't know? ...I beg you, Gaz. You cannot tell me in all seriousness that you have really forgotten everything. Ok. I can understand that you want to forget certain …things… and not talk about them. I can also imagine how you were able to save yourself and then go into hiding, but please at least answer a question. ...Why didn't you already report to me much more?" Robbie didn't understand how Gary could come up with such a poor answer to him and at least wanted to know from him why he had to expose him for a full five years under constant agony and put him in with it in Ignorance left that he was still alive.

While Robbie tried to talk in with a slight incredulity to Gary that he owed him at least one answer, releasing his face again in the process, Gary continued to stare at the floor with a blank stare, whispering at one point that it was a mistake. That he wasn't allowed to show up here at all. Saying, "I’m ...I'm sorry, Rob." Gary instantly got himself back on his feet and just wanted to leave. But before he looked out the vastness again and neck over heels, Robbie was able to grab his friend on his right wrist and thus dissuaded him from his obvious plan. But to which Gary made a not exactly slightly pain-stricken sound. 

"Gary. No. Wait. Don't go. Please stay. You must not disappear again. I don't want to lo... - Oh God. Gaz. I ...I really didn't want that. I am sorry. I certainly didn't want to hurt you. ...Please... please don't tell me that this bastard from back then ...well, you know..." Robbie had to prevent his sudden escape attempt at all costs by grabbing this somewhat awkward rather coarsely on his wrist and wanting to pull back down to himself.

 

But the second he perceived a brief and stifled outcry of pain from Gary, he let it go right back and got a guilty conscience towards his little and living friend. Above all, because Gary, just over five years ago, together with the two rapes - which were bad enough, his right arm was repeatedly boiled out again and again. Among other things, Robbie had to remember the one doctor who had told him and the other guys at the time, if this whole drama were to happening a third time, that Gary had certain problems with his dexterity and chronic pain on all could get lifetime. Which obviously had to have happened again after the latter's kidnapping - with Gary also being ripped from his arms. 

God. Poor Gary. With this abundantly unnecessary and quite painful action, everything that once made him stand out and seriously questioned his future had really been taken away from him. This also meant that Gary could no longer pursue his favorite activity one hundred percent. The ensuing thought of Gary standing completely alone and with nothing for the past five years, Robbie now took more with him as he admitted to himself. It may be that for half a decade he had felt somehow and in a certain way lonely, but that was nothing, by comparison, how Gary must have felt. While, despite Ayda's almost constant presence, he had experienced a new form of loneliness, for Gary it had most certainly been the purest isolation.

 

Since Gary hadn't reckoned with such a quick reaction from Robbie and brought him something out of the concept, sorely, he instantly lost control of his body and fell with the suddenly onset of delivery, helplessness and Vulnerability in one, to the ground. While he was still trying to endure the pain radiating from his right shoulder down to his arm and beyond in his fingers-as well as, of course, up to the brain, holding his arm and tormented by the worst memories, he took Robbie's apology, though, is hardly true. Apart from its extremely worried and abundantly pitiful, as well as still slightly unbelieving gaze which almost pierced it with an anxious glow in the eyes. But what Gary could not do to his old friend in the slightest. After all, until recently, Robbie had still thought he was dead. ...And yet Gary still wanted to take tears out so Robbie could carry on with his peaceful life in complete carefree. 

"Oh God. ...Gaz. Please. Please don't tell me that's true. I’m ...I'm so sorry. I really didn't want that. ... That was my fault. If …if I had been paying better attention, showing more effort and putting it up, then …then it would never have happened in this way. I mean …that you had been booed out your arm a third time and you were rap… and had to live in absolute solitude for all time and so far a full five long years. I’m ...I'm partly responsible for that. I ...I..." Robbie made the worst allegations to himself, blaming himself for the last events of previous years.

With this realization, which could not be any different and was quite obvious to him, Robbie tried as desperately to profess his guilt. He knew too well that he wasn't entirely innocent of this drama and especially on the last twelve hours. If he had fought much more for Gary's sake and for his safety, that sentiment would not be too pronounced now. He was more than absolutely sure. But so, his conscience plagued him more than anything else.

 

While Gary had yet to deal with his current pain and worst memories ever and Robbie was seriously considering how to make up for all that to his little friend, a dreadful one of the two emerged between the two Silence. It wasn't like they didn't have anything to say or tell themselves, of course. Certainly not. Only the closer circumstances prompted Gary and Robbie to think of themselves and their own problems for a moment. And review the last five years. How Robbie had coped with his feelings of guilt all the time, leaving no one in his own right or Gary, who, with nothing in his pockets, lived virtually alone on the street and in his wider, future existence, more than anything others had doubted. 

Basically, the current scene had looked at what of it, at least purely figuratively and at the moment, that there was a meter-high, insurmountable and invisible wall between the two friends. Where’s Gary and Robbie, thus completely unaware, stood back to back. Although the respective person of desire was in close proximity to it, none of the two could see, hear or even touch this one. It was to despair. So nothing, but absolutely nothing, seemed to be able to break this one barrier now.

But as the pain in Gary's arm subsided and he felt an even greater yearning for a renewed and safe hug with Robbie through the memory of five years ago, Gary simply broke through the wall and fell around his great friend's neck. 

"No. You ...you have nothing to blame yourself for. ...I... I'm the one here who has to apologize. ...Not you. I’m ...I’m... I'm so sorry I just ran away like that ...and... especially faked you my death." Gary sobbed right into the hug, to which Robbie immediately replied to him.

"Oh Gaz. ...You don't have to apologize for that. Really not. I ...I can kind of even understand it. Ok. You have thus given me exactly five long years more than the miserable and agonizing feeling that I am not entirely innocent of the death of my very best friend. That’s I have you on your conscience. ...But let's face it I didn't deserve it any other way. After all, I had never been the friend to you, you would have needed. I mean ...I really tried my best just to be there for you, but ...at the end of the day I had failed all along the line. ...Jason had been absolutely right at the time. Someone else should have been by your side. Not me. Then everything would have certainly turned out differently." Robbie didn't want to hear the slightest apology from Gary, because he had to go through more than enough in the last five years and about two months and thus saw the main culprit much more in himself.

"Don’t ...don't say that. You had by no means failed. Not even for a second. You had always been there for me invariably and had even given me what I needed. A friend. A friend I could rely on and trust one hundred per cent. One who had lent me more than just a strong and safe shoulder and gave me some hope on the side, where I saw none for myself. In addition, you had made me feel like I wasn't alone. So I really couldn't ask for a better friend by my side than you were. Without you, would have ...I would have already given up on myself and never got over it all like that. ...The heavens had truly sent you."

On these words of Gary, in which he looked at the best friend of all time and thus took his concerns, Robbie pulled him into a much closer embrace. He just wanted to know his little mate as close to his heart as possible, holding it in his arms in such a way that for him every single heartbeat emanating from Gary was really felt. While Gary clearly enjoyed his warm and exceedingly safe embrace, Robbie couldn't help but put a small and gentle kiss on his temples to show Gary that this one was still an extremely important part of his life and he took him more than anything others needed. Because that had always been something he had loved to do ...and from today, hopefully could do more often.


	5. You Begged Me To Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait but my motivation was like zero. :(

After Gary and Robbie took to each other for a second time and revealed to each other how they had felt for the past five years or even the time, they lingered for a short while until the two friends separated again. For just three seconds one still looked into the eyes of the other, until one's own gaze glided with a hint of shame, each narrow ground or even into the far distance. Not knowing what to do or say, the two first gave themselves up to reality again and tried to let the one friend once again become an extremely important part of their lives, as Gary and Robbie had already done six or seven years ago. While an invisible bond opened up between their two souls, making them a unit immediately on no further detours, Gary put his head on Robbie's shoulder and Robbie his, on that of Gary's. As might be expected, it did not take long for the two to be able to resume their eternal bond. It was just a feeling like finally coming home after a strenuous, far too long and already five years of solo tour.

"And you really never felt like I let you ...well... down in any way? ...Not even in a split of second?" Robbie asked cautiously with a trace of uncertainty at Gary if he had perhaps felt disappointed towards him for a millisecond.

Because from Robbie's point of view, there had been far too many moments there, when Gary must surely have felt disappointed by him more than anything else and left alone. Started when he had taken Gary to a doctor without his consent and will, to the copious dramatic morning - where he had slept and then found his friend all but dead in the bathtub, right down to the moment – pulled by Jason in another room and thus had lost all contact with Gary, where his little friend was then disappeared and raped a second time. ...And, of course, not to forget, making him feel even more like a total and careless failure when a fake policeman ripped him from his arms, rendered him will-less and kidnapped him before his eyes.

But in response to this one question, Gary did not answer at first and showed no excitement at all. What was like a bad sign for Robbie though and so, within a few seconds, he got a sick feeling in his stomach. If Gary   
had to think about a certain thing and it took a certain amount of time, you could mostly be sure that the answer was at least a bit negative.

"Never. …Well, maybe except …for once. "

So yes, and Robbie already had a clue what this one time was referring to. Just as he thought about it himself, it could only be the incident where Gary had nearly killed himself. Viewed in hindsight, this abundant unsightly and unforgettable moment was left as the only one. Because of this stupid accident had happened more through its negligence. If his dogs hadn't been, then...! No. He didn't want to think that far now. It was bad enough that, due to a gross mistake, he had let Gary feel let down and, in the process, significantly put his life in danger. So Robbie also asked himself what he had been just for a friend. From his point of view definitely a bad one. Since he also did not speak great and did not want confirmation from Gary, he did not ask any further and left it with it. Tormenting him now with more and past memories was absolutely out of the question. However, there was something that Robbie would like to have answered. So he tried cautiously and in a shaggy voice to figure out how Gary could save himself from the fire and the explosion and where he had been all along and why he was waiting so long to at least tell him that he wasn't dead.

 

After a felt eternity, but Gary had been wrestling with himself all along - telling Robbie his story to his heart in the first place, the elder finally let his friend know how to escape the fire five years ago and what he was had considered swapping the dental files and disappearing from the scene. Only the part and thus the reason why he let himself look at Robbie after exactly five years, Gary first concealed. Somehow, he couldn't tell him. Especially not after what had happened and thus, like an unnamed thing who did not even know where he belonged in this world, he stood completely neglected before him.

But when Robbie realized that Gary didn't even talk to a syllable about the background of his sudden return and thus failed to answer, he looked carefully at his little friend with a slightly thoughtful side view and was able to pass through it alone body language already realizes he was struggling with something. Robbie would all too like to know the big why behind all this, but he didn't want to push him to do so now either. Normally he was the impatience in person and would equal, with no regard for losses, put Gary under so much pressure until he finally had what he wanted more than anything. In the case ...an answer. But since this exceedingly awful story, where his little friend had to go through the worst hell on earth, Robbie had learned to practice something in patience. Despite the goodwill and respect for Gary, Robbie slowly lost more and more of the ground under his feet, and was thus on the verge of putting the growing impatience into words. But before he could say anything about it, Gary whispered at some point what he would have thought to himself, that he would be extremely sorry and so it would be better-especially around Robbie himself - to disappear right back. The second Gary got himself to his feet again and quite apparently planned to run away in front of the younger one, Robbie immediately did the same to him with a slight delay. Shortly after, he carefully grabbed the smaller man by his shoulders and tried, completely desperately, to stop him from doing so.

"Gaz. No. You can't want to disappear now. You have only just arrived here ...and at all, where do you want to go? Back on the road? You can't just continue to throw your rest of your life in front of the dogs and beat yourself around a sleeping place with the rats. For God's sake. Gaz. Please don't do that. ...After all that you had to go through, you deserve a real and safe home more than anything else and besides ...you have nothing. ...Come on, Gary. Please. Stay. I don't want you to go."  
"I ...I can't do that. ...I'm sorry. It was a mistake to come here."  
"No. Isn't it. You don't know what that means to me. ...I just want you to be a part of my life again."  
"And just that, I can't and don't want to do to you ...!" It suddenly exploded out of Gary ..., "I don't want to disturb your further family happiness and life. It's as simple as that and since I've lost everything myself, I don't want to and can't watch my very best friend - whose well-being has been close to my heart since ancient times, experience the same thing. Because if I stayed, I would break everything you have and as soon as that happens, you would never want to have something to do with me again and would also hate me forever."  
"What? No. Never. I couldn't and never had. Not even for a single second. You have to believe me that. Even then, when I still felt disappointed and rejected by you. Ok. I had left out all my anger and frustration at you ...but I had never hated you. Never. I just lo… like you too much for that ...and that's been since the beginning. Your friendship had always been extremely important to me and I don't just say that now. I mean this really seriously. You have become an extremely important part of my life. Please. Stay here. ...I need you in my life! ...And besides, you can't break anything that's already broken." Robbie fought like a lion so that his preferred prey didn't take rip out of him and let Gary know by the way that he needed him more than anything else in his life and that there was absolutely nothing there what he could break.  
"How ... how do you mean that?" Gary didn't understand what Robbie wanted to tell him at the end.

As a result, Robbie let his extremely desperate and slightly watery gaze wander briefly into the distance, until suddenly all the power came off him and thus sank towards the ground. No sooner had he taken a sitting position than he spoke quietly about what the last five years have been like for him. That Robbie felt like either a guilt-conscious or to-not-in-calling failure all the time. One who saw himself partly responsible for the death of his best friend and, by the way, failed to finally get a grip on his own life by putting at least one more life into the world with his wife.

In the end, Robbie also mentioned that he feared - simply because of the fact that he quite apparently could not have children of his own - that Ayda could leave him because of it and he has been trying his best to be a good husband ever since. But what he didn't always manage to do. So he now admitted to himself, in front of Gary and especially himself more than finally, that he wanted to be helped by no one to this day and that he pushed the closest friends, as well as the persons from his immediate surroundings with his behavior in front of his head and he had distanced more and more …and this despite the fact that he wanted more than urgently a good friend by his side. Just ...none of them were like Gary.

So it was that he had then picked up another dog five years ago. More specifically, a puppy was born on exactly the same day and hour when Gary "died." When he had found the little black Pomeranian at that time and had seen it for the first time, seeing in this sweet guy actually his last deceased friend, Robbie knew immediately that he had to take him more than necessarily with him and how he would call his new addition. Gazza.

 

After Robbie managed, for the most part in a shaggy voice, to review the last five years, thereby throwing out his exceedingly gray-down and gram-wracking heart to Gary, he breathed an audibly relief shortly afterwards and now felt audibly relieved and now felt A little more liberated, after all. But it wasn't a complete feeling. In order to feel it completely, Gary had to stay here. But how should he get it to convince him to settle here? He couldn't possibly confess his secret love to him, could he? No. It would be better for everyone if he kept that secret for himself. If he did, he would lose everything for good. His only hope now was that Gary grasped a heart, stayed here and stopped running away from whatever. Robbie would really do anything to give Gary a new lease of life.

**Author's Note:**

> Which of you thought there would ever be a sequel to "Don't Say Goodbye To Me..."?  
> Well, there is one and here it is. One thing I can tell you in advance, as dark and dramatic as the first book, this work will certainly not be. ...But there is plenty of chaos.
> 
> Let yourself be surprised what this story about Robbie's life is about. Have fun while reading. ;-)


End file.
